The Inner Isolation*

Inner isolation is something no one told me about when I was diagnosed.

No one can understand the internal isolation I feel right now.  That inner dialogue of worry, or fear, of panic that I try to push off or outrun.  To others it manifests physically as me being depressed, down.  Quiet or, yes, fake.  Fake as in an too large of a smile or laugh.  It's the only way I know how to cover it over with people who don't know what's going on.

Sometimes I wonder if other people get the impact of all of this.  This inner panic as I wait.  Wait for test results.  Wait for my hearing.  The constant inner fight against panic.  The fear.  The tears always close to the surface.  The feeling of craziness (a constant lately) and the isolation that comes with it.   I can't talk about it with most people because I get the usual comments of, "don't worry about it," or, "it will all be fine."  But what if it isn't?  What if this appeal, this appeal that has so many tests and letters and statements behind it isn't enough and I'm denied again?  What then?  Thank God I have a therapist who I can pour all this out to and who tells me that it's normal.  That I am not crazy.  That this is unfair (yeah, yeah, life is unfair) and I've been beaten with that unfair stick a lot but have come through.  And she says I will this time too.

It's easy to sit in that other chair and not be in the one holding me and my inner isolation.

Right now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm losing fuel and about the crash.  I have three weeks until my hearing and I refuse to talk about it with anyone close because the tears!  The tears will flow!  And it's so hard to explain.  It's so hard to handle.  It's so hard to be alone in my head.

And this is in no way a "pity me" post.  Sometimes it's just easier to write down what I'm thinking in order to sort things out and get to the root of what is going on inside my swiss cheese brain.  So I'll close comments for this post because I want no pity or pep talk or sarcastic comments.

*I know healthy people have problems.  Divorce, loss, change, I know this.  But this is my blog and right now?  I'm talking about my problem.  This is just one of my outlets.  No offense intended.  Now go drink your Ovaltine.